High Conflict Bio Mom: How do Millennial step mothers deal with living life under boyfriend’s baby mama mood swings?

As a 31 year old mother of a 12 year old, I thought things could only get easier after getting through a teenage pregnancy. I ended my relationship with my child’s father at 5 months of pregnancy and thought: Gosh if my child looks like her father I don’t know how I could ever get over him!

Fast forward 12 years and we get along great and realized we were never meant to be together, we avoided a nasty and unnecessary custody situation and both managed to do well financially and not have other children yet. Both of us do want a chance to a real marriage and experiencing having kids under our now better circumstances but that is a topic for another blog post.

Given the glimpse of my motherhood journey, it is easy to see that I may have been dealing with some unrecognized daddy issues or root chakra blockage due to a major life style change when leaving my home country of Venezuela. My daughter’s father is 3 years older than me, then my boyfriend of almost 10 years was 24 years older than me, he practically closed the gap I did not know existed in my young adult life by basically raising me and my child. He had 4 kids from 2 previous marriages, out of which only one got along with me and the other 3 hated me and completely alienated their father.

Now after ending my second serious relationship during the first year of the pandemic, because it was toxic on both sides, due to resentment and the expected challenges that come from dating or marrying someone twice your age, I find myself in a similar situation with my now third serious relationship with a man 17 years my senior who has 2 younger children.

The youngest being his 8 year old son. At first glance to me it was fulfilling to jump into a new family dynamic but it became obvious to me that his son needed behavioral therapy and the parenting plan my new boyfriend so strongly abides by was not serving the child’s best interest. As a child of two immigrant parents his son was missing a lot of the suburban parenting guidance we now get to chose to learn about on the internet. The High Conflict Bio Mom whom I suspect is suffering from undiagnosed and untreated BPD follows zero routines at home. She goes shopping to an outlet mall 4 to 5 times a week and has taught her two children they will get a reward after enduring her Dopamine Seeking daily shopping.

I’ve so far gotten my boyfriend to establish and IEP with school, almost 2 years after the psychiatric diagnosis of his son. The child is preforming well under grade level in reading and math due to his learning disability and yet the mother only cares to fight about us sending his shoes back to her house and telling the school counselors not to communicate with me. As if I did not have better things to do with my time. However, I was hoping she would become competitive once she felt I was parenting better than she has and take over the role of educational coordinator and start doing her own research to obtain the parent behavior management skills needed to parent her son. Of course that is not what has happened, she I assume is glad the child is getting better accommodations because he has underperformed in school since kindergarten. Instead, the HCBM (High Conflict Bio Mom) is now a threat to the IEP with school because we all know she will not follow it, what is worst is she feel everyone should respect her lack of enforcement because she loves her son and no one should ever challenge her parenting skills.

This blog has been born out of the countless hours I have spent searching google for solutions. As a Millennial I do google most things and I hope my documenting of the journey and sharing it with the internet world of moms and steps moms will help get my blended family through this struggle as well as serve as somewhat of a blueprint for other Millennial Step moms dealing with HCBM who are not emotionally mature enough to recognize it takes a village to raise a child.

Photo by Pixabay on Pexels.com

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